


We can start it all over again

by flowercage



Category: Internet Personalities, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Background Character Death, Background Relationships, Dan's got a lot of issues, Fluff, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Identity Issues, Internalized Homophobia, Jealous Dan, Jealousy, Multi, No Smut, Possessive Behavior, Possessive Dan, Social Anxiety, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-03-22
Packaged: 2018-09-19 01:40:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9411800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowercage/pseuds/flowercage
Summary: It's one week before Christmas and Dan and Phil are going up to Rawtenstall to spend a few days with Phil's family. Dan will have to face Phil's childhood friends, old flames and, worse of all, his own fears and insecurities.





	1. What a Feeling

**Author's Note:**

> The title was inspired by One Direction's song "Over Again".  
> The chapter's title was inspired by One Direction's "What a Feeling".
> 
> This work is a result of my own ideas and my best friend's request for a Phan story. It's my first work, English is not my native language and I have never read any Phanfic. Soooo, recipe for disaster! Anyways, criticism and suggestions are always welcome. Leave comments and kudos, if you please. Have a good reading!

_Whatever chains are holding you back_

_Holding you back, don't let 'em tie you down_

_Whatever chains are holding you back_

_Holding you back, tell me you believe in that_

_\- What a Feeling, by One Direction._

 

_Oh, fuck me._

 

That thought, followed by a pained sigh, was Dan’s first reaction to the heinous sound coming from his phone.

 

“Bloody fuck me,” he started but kept his eyes closed. If it wasn’t for his choice of words, he could very well be reading some child a story, for his tone was soothing and his demeanor calm. "In the ass,” he continued, "with a tree until I fall into the deep, _eternal_ slumber that will prevent my ears from ever going through the _excruciating pain_ that alarm clocks represent to humanity.” 

 

His second move was to blindly reach for his phone under the pillow and turn the damned thing off. Now that the loud ringing was gone, he could hear the soft _thump thump_ of snow hitting his bedroom window. He let out yet another sigh - this time out of mild relief - and finally, although slowly, opened his eyes.

 

The light that came through the windows was harsh, forcing Dan to blink a few times in order to adjust to it. He then rolled over and rested on top of the warm body which had been sleeping beside him. 

 

“Is it time?” Phil groggily asked. His voice was muffled by the pillow and rough from sleeping. _Damn,_ thought Dan, _I swear to God he impersonates Benedict Cumberbatch’s Smaug when he wakes up. It’s so fucking sexy._ He smiled against Phil’s shoulder and grunted,

 

“Yes.”

 

“Alright. Let’s get ready then.” Phil tried and failed to get up due to the lanky, cumbersome weight of his boyfriend on top of him. “ _Dan_.”

 

“Ugh, _fine._ ” Dan sighed grumpily and rolled back over to his side of the bed, burying himself deeper into the mattress.

 

Phil sat up and put his glasses on before looking at Dan, who had his back to him. He reached a hand for Dan’s waist and rubbed gently. Leaning into him and pressing his lips right behind his ear, he spoke. “I know this is difficult for you but it’s really important to me and I appreciate your effort.” He planted a little kiss where his lips had been resting and continued, “It's not going to be _that_ bad though. We’re going to spend most of the time with my family anyways, you don’t have to worry.”

 

“ _Most_ of the time.” Dan mumbled a bit sorrowfully, “Which means that we’ll have to get together with your friends and you _know_ what that’s gonna be like.”

 

Phil lets out a deep sigh. “Well, try to relax when we do meet them. You know I love you, there’s no need to feel threatened. I have to give them attention too, though. They’ll probably want to catch up and so on. I love _you_ and you know it.”

 

“Yes, _I_ do.” Dan said, turning to face his boyfriend. “I’m just not entirely sure _some_ of your friends know it. You know who I’m talking about.”

 

“Yeah, but it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t have anything to do with our relationship. We both know I only have eyes for you,” Phil insisted.

 

Dan looked at him with a bored face, trying and failing to hold back an endeared chuckle. “You’re such a sap.”

 

Phil smiled and kissed his warm lips softly before looking at him a bit more seriously and saying, “But you will try, right? Will you be friendly?”

 

“I don’t see the point. They hate me already.”

 

“Dan, come on.”

 

“Ugh. Can’t I just stay with your mum while you go out with them?”

 

“Daniel.”

 

“Alright. _Fine_. But don’t expect me to actually start conversations or any other form of interaction,” Dan conceded.

 

“Okay, but will you be friendly?” asked him Phil.

 

Dan just looked at him for a moment before deciding, “I will be civilized.”

 

“Great. I can work with that.” Phil kissed the tip of his nose and quickly got out of bed. “Let’s get ready, then” he said, already making a move to leave their bedroom, “You still have to pack your things up. Our train leaves at 10am, which gives us two hours until we have to be at the station.” 

 

He picked up his phone and looked back at Dan, “I’m going to ring my mum and tell her when we’re leaving. See if she needs us to bring anything or something like that.”

 

He left, probably heading for the kitchen, and Dan grunted loudly into his pillow. Lifting himself up and resting his weight on his elbows, he shouted “Stay away from my cereal!”

 

When he heard no answer, he looked outside again and saw thick snowflakes falling and gently landing on the glass. Yes, he knew Phil loved him but he also knew how oblivious his boyfriend was in regards to other people hitting on him. It was hard for him not feel jealous when someone hit on Phil right in front of him and everyone else. He didn’t want people to think they weren't serious and that Phil was just available to flirt or whatsoever.

 

He sighed and hung his head low, remembering how quick Phil was - always is - when reassuring him he loves him. Dan knew what he felt for Phil was different, stronger than anything he had ever felt for anyone else. Although Phil told him it wasn’t a problem and that he understood how difficult it was for him to say it, Dan couldn’t shake the feeling that, by not saying it back, Phil would eventually get the feeling that he was’t really serious about them.

 

“Love?” Phil’s voice brought him back from his thoughts and he looked up at the doorway. “Are you coming? I made you some hot chocolate.”

 

And there it was again. That feeling that filled his chest and, instead of burning like passion or infatuation, settled through his body and made him feel calm and complete. He could’ve said it right then, but he didn’t. The words got stuck in his throat and felt like heavy rocks when he swallowed them. “Yeah.”

 

“Come on, then,” Phil said and held out his hand, “or else it’ll get cold.”


	2. Story Of My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil arrive in Rawtenstall, a closer look on Dan's past and a bit of fluff at the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: homophobic mentality/language
> 
> DISCLAIMER: all characters, as portrayed in this work of fiction, are indeed fictitious. I do not support any homophobic mentality or language in any form at all.
> 
> This chapter's title comes from "Story Of My Life", by One Direction. I definitely encourage listening to the song whilst reading this chapter, even if you know it already.
> 
> And yes, probably all chapters will be inspired by some One Direction song.
> 
> Have a nice reading!

It would take them about three and a half hours to get to Rawtenstall. Traveling half the country would take them through big cities and little villages, endless fields and crops that would go on as far as the eye can see. Snow was most likely a certainty as well. It was winter time now and snowflakes sprinkled from the sky endlessly. Christmas was also in the air, which meant they’d be seeing quite a lot of joyful holiday decorations along the way.

 

Upon arriving at the station, Dan and Phil quickly bought enough water and snacks to last them the entire trip. They had books, e-books, animes, movies and entire tv series to keep them occupied throughout the journey. And so it began.

 

 

 

It had been about fifty minutes since they left Euston Station and Phil was completely engrossed by his computer screen. Dan on the other hand could not, for the life of him, focus on anything other than his own terrifying thoughts. He couldn’t help but wonder how all tables could be turned in a blink of an eye if he made the tiniest slip. _What happens if I get jealous? Don’t lie to yourself, Dan: you will get jealous._ With a heavy sigh he turned to look at Phil and smiled. He was chuckling quietly about something playing on the screen. This time, Dan did not feel scared at the way his heart melted just by looking at him. Instead, he put on his headphones and let sleep take over.

 

-

 

"In 2009, 2,605 people died in road traffic accidents in the UK. While this made  up only 0.5% of all deaths in the UK in that year, for those in the 15-19 age  group road accidents account for 25% of all deaths.”

 

-

 

_Thirteen-year-old Dan sat quietly like everybody else around him. He was just as well dressed as everybody else. He was looking straight ahead just like everybody else was. He was set between his younger brother and his mother; next to her was his father. Tentatively, he looked up to his mother’s face. She did not look exceptionally stern, but he couldn’t quite say she was happy either. There was a bit of blush smeared on her cheeks and pink lipstick on her lips. Sensing her son’s gaze, she looked down briefly and smiled softly at him before turning her attention back to where it initially was. Dan looked at her for a fraction of a second longer until the announcer’s loud voice caught his attention once more. He was back to listening alongside with everybody else._

 

_“If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death. (Leviticus 20:13)”_

 

_Dan knew, right then, he was not just like everybody else._

 

_-_

 

_The grass was slightly wet and there was a piercing cold wind blowing every now and again. It was nearing dinner time and he knew he was ought to be back before his mother could even think about calling him. Something was poking his back – a branch, probably – and his legs were itching due to the thousands of mosquitos flying around. If it weren’t for how bright the stars were shining and how the warm chest underneath his left cheek went up and down soothingly, he would’ve said that was one of the most uncomfortable positions he’d ever been in. No, everything was perfect._

 

_“When do you want to head back”? Brandon whispered. He was running a hand through Dan’s locks._

 

_“Never.”_

 

__

 

_They had to leave, eventually. Both boys hopped on the old, blue pickup truck and drove into the night._

 

_“Can you turn up the heat, Bran? I’m cold.”_

 

_“Yeah, sure.”_

 

_Dan had one of his legs up on the seat and the opposite arm supporting his head. It was dark already. There was barely any light on the street apart from the truck’s headlights and the moon. Brandon ran a hand through his dirty blond hair and kept looking ahead, afraid that he wouldn’t be able to go on if he saw Dan’s face under the moonlight._

 

_He drove slowly and took the longest streets. "Because I don’t want him to be cold when he gets home", he thought, "I’ll just keep driving a bit longer so he feels warm.” And he kept driving, trying to stretch the minutes like you do with that bit of butter that cannot cover the entire slice of bread - you do it anyway._

 

_The car came to a halt. Neither dared look at each other, neither wanted to let go. It was Brandon who broke the silence,_

 

_“When can I see you again?”_

 

_“You know how it works. If my dad catches us again, that’s it.” Dan paused and finally looked at Brandon. “I don’t know what it really means but I don’t want to find out.” He whispered._

 

_“I’ll see you next week then. Be safe.” Brandon replied with a sad smile. There were so many things he would like to say; things Dan was not yet ready to listen. He leaned forward hesitantly but Dan looked away._

 

_“I’m sorry, Bran. We can’t. I-If my neighbors see us…I can’t. I’m sorry.”_

 

_“Hey, it’s okay.” Brandon said, “I understand.”_

 

_“I’ve got to get going.” Dan said reaching for the door. “Bye, Bran.”_

 

_“Bye, Bear.”_

 

_Sometimes minutes feel like hours and some seconds are endless. For Brandon, the second it took for the boy he loved to take a turn at the end of the street was the second that would never end._

 

 

 

_“Where have you been?”_

 

_“Out with some friends.” He said as he took his shoes off. “Where’s mom?”_

 

_“I saw you, Daniel.” His father said, getting up from the chair he had been sitting on. “I saw you and that faggot I told you to stay away from.”_

 

_“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I went to the fair with a couple of friends.”_

 

_“Don’t bloody lie to me!” His father shouted. His face was red with anger and he had his hands in fists on each side of his torso. He continued before Dan could say anything. This time, his voice was low and he had a dark look on his face. “That was your last chance, Dan. You’re a sinner. You will go with me to the church tomorrow and beg father Winston for mercy. He’ll have your soul cleansed.”_

 

_Dan was still facing the ground, long after his shoes had come off. His heart was hammering quickly against his chest and he could not control his breathing._

 

_His father made a move to head up to his own room but stopped at the bottom of the stairs and turned his head to the side. “Afterwards,” He said, “you will go to him and tell him it’s over. Tell him you don’t want him anymore. You will break his heart.”_

 

_“Father, I can’t. Please-“ Dan choked as he tried to hold back his tears._

 

_“You will do as I say!” His father yelled at him again and slowly began to climb the steps before him. Lowly, he muttered as he climbed another step and disappeared from sight, “Break his heart or I’ll make it stop altogether.”_

 

_Dan immediately started shaking and all heat left his body. He fell on his knees for his wobbly legs could no longer support the weight of guilt on his shoulders._

 

 

_The next day came around with dark promises, a dark sky and dark eyes._

 

_-_

 

_"Between the ages of 15-24 a young person is twice as likely to die from a road traffic accident than be fatally assaulted by firearms, a sharp/blunt object or intentional self-harm via hanging combined. Those in the 15-24 age category are also four times more likely to die from a road traffic accident than from drug, alcohol or other substance poisoning.”_

 

_-_

 

**_From: Dan_ **

_come over?_

 

**_From: Bran_ **

_sure, u alone?_

 

**_From: Dan_ **

_yup mom and dad are working_

_aiden went to smn’s house_

 

 

 

_“Thought we’d just see each other next week?” Brandon said as he jumped out of his car. He had a huge smile plastered on his face. He was wearing shades and quite a lot of denim. He was sunshine._

 

_“I missed you too much.” Dan said as he ran and jumped on Brandon. He took the sunglasses off, cupped his cheeks and kissed him deeply. They kissed there on the street for anyone to see._

 

_“What was that all about?” Brandon said, his smile betraying him._

 

_Instead of answering, Dan kissed him again. They kissed slowly and intensely. Time was frozen and hang around them. They couldn’t hear any sound even if they tried. That single kiss carried so much emotion that every swipe of tongue left a prickling sensation in their mouths. Their arms felt heavy as if all energy was focused on each other’s lips and there was nothing left to hold their limbs up._

 

_Slowly, they pulled part. They kept their eyes closed and foreheads touching._

 

_“I love you, Dan.”_

 

_Immediately Dan felt tears escape his closed eyelids and roll down his heated face. His heart was shattered in a million pieces and the pain was excruciating. The worst part was knowing he would soon be the cause of the same pain on Brandon’s chest._

 

_His chin wobbled as he pulled them apart to look into the older boy’s eyes and say, “That was a goodbye, Bran. I don’t want this anymore. I’m sorry. I thought I did but I don’t. I don’t want this.”He took a deep breath, “I don’t want you.”_

 

_Brandon took half a step back and looked directly at Dan’s face. “You’re lying.”_

 

_“No, I’m not. I’m sorry, Brandon. I…I don’t love you.”_

 

_“I don’t believe you.” Brandon now had a hard look on his face. “What’s really going on? Is it your father?”_

 

_Dan could only let out a sad, broken chuckle as more tears fell and he turned his gaze to the ground._

 

_“It is, isn’t it?” Brandon said. “Dan, let’s go away. Just you and me.”_

 

_Dan shook his head, “We can’t.”_

 

_“Why not? I’m eighteen, I can work and I have a car.” Brandon insisted, “Let’s go to Brighton or London. Anywhere, it doesn’t matter!”_

 

_“Brandon, my father-“_

 

_“Fuck him.” He took Dan in his arms and rubbed his back with one hand and his head with the other. “Let’s leave this God-forsaken place.”_

 

_“Okay.” Dan smiled weakly and looked into Brandon’s eyes. “Okay.”_

 

_“Yeah?” Brandon smiled and kissed his forehead lovingly, “Pack up. I’ll be back in an hour and we’ll leave.” He paused to kiss Dan’s wet lips, “I love you.”_

 

_“I love you, too.”_

 

_-_

 

_18-YEAR-OLD DIES IN VIOLENT CAR CRASH NEAR ELM’S FIELD EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON_

 

_The victim, Brandon Edward Abott, was driving a blue 0611 Clt 1969 Ford F100 pickup truck as he apparently lost control of the vehicle._

_As it travelled around a left hand curve, the car ran off the road and began to overturn. Abott crashed against a nearby gas station, causing an instant fire._

_The firemen were able to quickly cease the fire and no other victims have been reported, as the station was empty at the time of accident._

_Further investigation by the State Police confirmed the cause of accident to be vehicle malfunction._

 

_-_

Dan woke up to Phil’s lips pressed against his cheek, murmuring something.

 

“We’re here.” Phil said.

 

“Already?” Dan mumbled and pressed his face to Phil’s neck, searching for heat. “What time is it?” He said around a yawn.

 

“One thirty.” Phil replied whilst rubbing Dan’s waist up and down. “We still have the whole day to enjoy. I say we drop our bags at my mom's and go downtown to grab lunch. What do you think?”

 

“Sounds lovely.” Dan smiled and pressed a kiss to Phil’s neck. “I’d like to spend some time together, like, proper date and walking hand in hand.” He buried himself deeper into Phil’s side and breathed him in. “I like that Rawtenstall is small and we can do couple’s stuff more often.”

 

“Yeah, I’m happy to be here.” Phil said and dropped a kiss to the top of Dan’s head. “Let’s go.”

 

 

 

As they left the train station on a cab, Phil rang his mother to let her know they had arrived. They were both sat by a window, but their hands sat together in between them. There was a lot of snow falling from the sky, way more than there had been on London, and Christmas lights shone everywhere.

 

“Hello, boys! Oh, I’m so glad to see you!” Phil’s mom said as soon as they had stepped foot on the pavement.

 

“Hey, mom.” Phil said as she enveloped him in a tight hug.

 

“Hi, Dan! It’s been so long! How are you, sweetie?” She hugged Dan next and patted him on the back.

 

“Hi, Jane! I’m fine. How are you?” Dan said.

 

“Way better now that you two are here.” She said, ”Let’s go inside, it’s too cold!”

 

“Actually, mom.” Phil intervened, “We’re just dropping our things. We have a date scheduled for this afternoon.” He said and smiled at Dan, who returned the smile.

 

“Oh, that’s quite alright, dear.” She made a dismissive gesture with her hand, “Everyone will be here by eight, though. You do’t wanna miss that.” She continued as they settled their duffle bags down, “We’ll have a nice family dinner. You know, just to welcome everyone. Nothing too big.”

 

Dan and Phil looked at each other and held back a laugh. A “nothing too big” dinner in Rawtenstall meant "Christmas banquet" anywhere else.

 

“Okay,” Phil said, “we’re going now. Bye, mom.”

 

“Bye, Jane!”

 

“Have fun, boys!”

 

 

 

 

And so, two and a half hours and a fancy lunch later, Dan and Phil found themselves walking hand in hand through the Christmas market.

 

“OH MY GOD PHIL THERE’S A CAROUSEL.”

 

“What!? Where is it??” Phil said as he desperately looked around. He didn’t have much time before Dan was pulling him along towards the queue.

 

“Dan, calm down!” Phil laughed as Dan bobbed up and down on his feet. He reached for him and pulled him close.

 

Cuddling tightly, they waited for their turn. When it came, they sat side by side on colourful plastic horses that went up and down. There was a lot of shiny and glittery things around them but what amazed Phil the most was Dan’s bright smile.

 

As they climbed down the carousel, Phil couldn’t look away even if he wanted to. He knew Dan was talking to him but he could not focus on anything but his face.

 

“Are you even listening to me?” Dan asked, chuckling.

 

Phil only smiled and stepped closer. He took Dan’s face between his hands and bumped their cold noses together before planting a little kiss on his cherry lips.

 

“No.” Phil said.

 

Dan laughed and joined their lips once more. He deepened the kiss and there they stayed, kissing softly and lovingly next to the carousel. Everything was freezing cold, except for their lips. They moved slowly together as the world stopped turning so they could enjoy the moment for a bit longer. 

 

“I love you, Bear.” Phil whispered between them.

 

Dan could only look deep into his eyes and hope he could see everything he meant to say but could not. He smiled brightly and kissed him again instead of saying anything back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So?? You think Brandon's death was an accident or not? Was it Dan's father? Was it someone else? dun dun dun  
> Feel free to leave kudos and comments.  
> The next chapter will probably be posted either later this week or early next week.  
> I hope you liked the update and stick to this story!


	3. Fool's Gold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter can be summarized by these words in this order specifically: fluffy, funny, filler, fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title comes from the song "Fool's Gold", by One Direction. I once again strongly encourage listening to it whilst (or before) reading. It is a beautiful song.
> 
> I'm terribly sorry for taking so long with this update but you guys have no idea how stressful was this chapter to me. I can't even recall how many times I spent the entire afternoon staring at a blank page. I hope it was worth the wait although I honestly believe this chapter fucking sucks.
> 
> Also, as you've probably noticed, this work will most likely have only another two chapters. If you feel this story has gone by too fast - I agree. I was initially going to write it as a one-shot but after writing the first part, I was too excited to wait....oops.
> 
> Please give me some feedback for future stories and leave kudos! Hope you have a nice reading!

 

With matching smiles and tangled arms they marched back to the Lester’s household. The sun had set a few hours ago and the city was becoming quieter by the minute. Quiet, in that case, by no means meant sound asleep. High above their heads hang several strings of Christmas lights that illuminated the entire street, going from a rooftop to the other on the opposite side of the road. It was quiet in the sense that, instead of the loud chattering that would take over during the day, now in the early hours of the night only low humming could be heard when they passed a restaurant or a café. 

 

Somewhere ahead of them a door was opened. For a moment the sounds coming from within were clearer and two women could be heard laughing before the door closed and it was all muffled once more. Apart from all that, Dan could hear Jurassic Park. Yes, the Jurassic Park theme song. He frowned and looked down at Phil. The latter had his gaze fixed on the ground and his lips were pursed. Dan couldn’t help but throw his head back and laugh out loud.

 

“What?” Asked a startled Phil. “Oh,” he said with a small smile and heated cheeks, “Sorry. Must’ve zoned out for a bit there.”

 

“You,” Dan said as he tried to recompose himself, “You are not real.”

 

“I've seen you do much worse!” Phil retaliated. “I have actual footage of you making horse noises for no reason at all.”

 

“Alright, whatever.” Dan said, “What time is it? Shouldn’t we be back already?” He asked as he rested his head on Phil’s shoulder. “If we’re late maybe we should take a small gift with us. You know, to lessen our punishment.”

 

“Don't worry, dear. We’re right on time.”

 

They walked for about five minutes longer before reaching their destiny. The house was covered in snow and Christmas decorations. Laughter could be heard from their spot on the front porch and they both stopped there to face each other.

 

“Are you ready?” Phil asked, “As soon as we step foot in there, we'll be overwhelmed by hugs and slobbery kisses from people _I_ don’t even know.”

 

“Great!” Dan replied in mockery, “Just my cup of tea: meeting new people and invasive gestures.”

 

“We can do this.” Phil said with determination, “We just have to make it through the half hour of greetings and about two hours of dinner.”

 

“We're dead.” Dan said, “I feel uncomfortable already.”

 

“Let's try to stick to my mum’s side. She’ll do the talking for us.” Phil said as he grabbed Dan’s hand tightly. He was about to take a step and turn the doorknob when he was suddenly pulled back into a heated snog. Dan held his face in place as he thoroughly ravished it right in front of Phil's childhood home.

 

“Okie dokie!” Dan said once they had pulled apart, “I'm ready.”

 

“Yeah,” Phil said, still a bit shaken. “‘M ready.”

 

 

 

 

_One:_

_“He probably took longer than expected to gather his stuff and stopped for gas.”_

 

 

 

“And how did you two meet, then?” Asked one of Phil’s aunts. _Diana? Or was it Darcy? Lord knows I don’t fucking know._ And before either one of the boys could open their mouths,

 

“Oh, it was so lovely!” Jane exclaimed, “You see, Judy,” _'Kay, that was a long shot_ , thought Dan. “They didn’t even live in the same city.” And for the next twenty-five minutes she proceeded to tell the tale of how _Dan &Phil_ came to be.

 

Half way through it, Phil caught Dan’s eye and nodded towards the stairs. They picked up their bags which were still in the living room and headed up to Phil’s old room.

 

As soon as the lights were on and the bags on the floor, Dan planted himself face first on the bed. He then rolled over and took in the room he had seen so many times now. The walls were still baby blue and held a couple of emo bands' posters. There was a bed, a study desk, a shelf supporting dozens of stuffed animals, a closet. He caught himself smiling at how _Phil_ was the atmosphere.

 

“Oh my God, that's so cool!” Phil shrieked from inside the tiny bathroom on the left of the room, “Dan, look at this!” He came forth holding a tiny lion’s head right in front of Dan’s face.

 

“Is that soap?” Dan asked.

 

“Yes! How cool is that?!” Phil said and returned to the bathroom only to come back holding a black heart-shaped mini soap. “There’s one for you as well.”

 

“Wow,” Dan said as he laughed, “Your mum _really_ knows me.”

 

“Innit?”

 

Dan watched as Phil walked back and once again disappeared into the bathroom. He heard waterrun for a couple of seconds and a bit of shuffling around until Phil came out adjusting his fringe. They were both still in the clothes they wore on the train, minus the shoes. Phil had mismatched socks on, his hair was soft and his jumper was wrinkled. For Dan he looked angelic.

 

“Hey,” said Dan in mockery seduction, “Wanna do it on your childhood bed?”

 

“What?” Phil said chuckling, “Right now?”

 

“Yeah,” Dan shrugged, “isn’t it a thing? Like, christening your childhood bedroom?”

 

And before Phil could give his opinion on the matter, they heard a knock.

 

“Boys?” Jane’s faint voice came through the wooden door, “Dinner’s served!”

 

“We’ll be right there, mum!” Phil shouted back.

 

“Guess the christening will have to wait.” Dan said as he got up.

 

Phil stepped closer to him and pressed a few loving kisses on his lips before taking his hand and guiding him downstairs.

 

 

 

”Good lord, Jane.” Dan said around a mouthful of roasted lamb, “This is absolutely delicious.”

 

"Why, thank you sweetie but I’m more of a baking person meself." Jane gave him the biggest of smiles and continued, “Jared takes all credit for cooking dinner.” She said, smiling at her husband. 

 

"It’s the family's recipe.” Jared said from the other corner of the table, “I'll pass it on to you when you finally tie the knot." He smirked and winked at him.

 

Dan was hit by a cold wave of dread and felt all colour leave his face. He stopped mid-bite and looked at Phil through the corner of his eyes. He was blushing and visibly trying to act normally.

 

"Not any time soon, it seems." Matt, Phil's older brother, muttered lowly. It was a little bit louder than a whisper, but Dan was still able to catch it.

 

"What?" He asked a bit perplexed. When Matt pretended not hear him and focused on his food, Dan turned to Phil.

 

"What did he mean?"

 

"Nothing." Phil said, looking down at his food.

 

"Have you told him something I'm not aware of?" Dan insisted.

 

"Dan, it's nothing. Drop it." And when Dan was about to argue again, he said, "I'll tell you later, alright?”

 

Dan nodded and looked around. It seemed that the small interaction had gone by unnoticed by the other guests at the table and everyone was either engrossed on conversations or their plates. 

 

He turned back to his own food. Something about what Matt had said bothered him. Phil and his brother were close - he knew that - but he wondered how much of their relationship he had disclosed to him. _How much does he know that I don't?_

 

 

 

Later that night, as they silently went upstairs to their room, Dan tried hard not to jump right into it. _Curiosity's a bitch._

 

Phil said nothing as he entered the room, discarded his jumper and headed straight to the bathroom, locking the door. Dan sighed in frustration when he heard the shower running and started getting ready for bed. He took his time, put his phone to charge, pushed the decorative pillows off the bed and settled under the covers.

 

A couple minutes had passed when Phil emerged from the bathroom followed by a cloud of steam. He had a towel wrapped around his hips and his hair was wet and pushed back. Dan watched patiently as he went through the process of getting ready and waited for him to come to bed. When he did, Dan decided he had had enough of waiting.

 

"So," He said, trying to seem uninterested, "What did you have to tell me?"

 

"I didn't have anything to tell you." Phil replied, "You kind of cornered me."

 

Phil had his arms behind his head as he looked up to the ceiling. He was trying to tip-toe around the issue.

 

"Phil." Dan whined. He, on the other hand, was propped on his arm eagerly waiting for Phil to open up already. " _Come on._ "

 

Phil sighed heavily and closed his eyes, bracing himself. "I-", he paused, "I was going to do it." He gulped and kept his eyes shut. "I was going to propose."

 

Dan said nothing as he slowly laid down properly, looking up at the ceiling. Then, he whispered, "I'm not ready for that."

 

"I know you're not. That's why I backed off." Phil explained, "I thought about it and for a couple of months I was determined to do it. Matt knew about it and when I told him I wasn't going through with it, he was a bit disappointed."

 

The prolonged silence that followed was heavy between them, weighing them down. Not long after, though, Dan spoke again.

 

"Did you go as far as buying a ring?" He asked softly.

 

Phil finally looked at Dan. They maintained eye contact as he spoke, "I did a lot of research" He had to bite his lips in order to hold back a fond smile before continuing, "and I found the perfect one." Returning to his previous position he finished, "But I didn't buy it."

 

"What stopped you?"

 

"As I said," The tension on his shoulders seemed to dissipate as he turned fully on his side to face Dan, "I know you're not ready."

 

Dan could only smile sadly at that. _I'm sorry I'm such a mess._

 

"Anyways," Phil exclaimed, "tomorrow evening we're going to attend a pub crawl featuring seven true Northern pubs and all of my childhood friends!"

 

Dan's face fell completely. He whined and scooted closer to Phil, tucking himself under his chin and hugging him close. "Why do you hate me?"

 

"I don't, Danny," he cooed. "It's just one night, okay? You'll be fine." He laid on his back and brought Dan with him.

 

Dan whined again and shuffled that bit closer to Phil. He sighed and relaxed completely against the warm chest beneath his right cheek. _Thank you for staying._

 

The mood seemed to have taken an upturn but now that he knew that an engagement had practically knocked on his front door, Dan could not shake the dreadful feeling that took over his body. Through the whole night his mind was as wide awake as his hammering heart.

 

 

 

_Two:_

_“Why the hell won’t he answer my calls?”_

 

 

 

The sun rose and morning came with the same buzzing atmosphere from the previous night, yet cozier. Not everyone stayed the night so breakfast was a more intimate affair - which Dan and Phil were thankful for considering awkward encounters could now be easily avoided. Mrs. Lester had put all her cooking talent into making breakfast - croissants, fresh bread, eggs and sausages.

 

Dan took a sip from his tea and settled back into the armchair. _Ah, the Lester’s - where you can just be happy and have breakfast in the living room._ He smiled halfheartedly when everyone laughed at something he missed and leaned his head back against Phil’s shoulder. He had one leg over Phil’s right one so they could both fit in the large armchair. Phil was chatting along with his family and, like every time he got in touch with his inner Northern, his accent was prominent. Dan was smiling fondly behind his mug, enjoying the rumble of Phil’s chest as he spoke.

 

“Yes! And when I turned around you were face down in cow manure!” Phil laughed as he and his brother told stories from their childhood.

 

Just then Phil’s mother entered the living room with another round of fresh pastries.

 

“Dan! Phil!” She exclaimed, “I just remembered! If you’re staying home for the day you boys could help me knit this year’s table towel!”

 

Every family has their own traditions. Some turn a specific dish into a holiday constant, others commit to singing for elders. Secret Santa, eggnog, hanging stockings and so on. For the Lester’s, the special Christmas tradition was to knit their own table towel - the one they would use on Christmas’ eve dinner. Whichever household held the holiday dinner that year would be responsible for knitting the towel.

 

Dan stopped his fonding and looked up. Phil spluttered on his own tea.

 

“No!” Phil said, probably a little bit too soon and loudly, “I- I mean, sorry, mum. We have something planned for today already.” He made a fake disappointed face and shrugged.

 

Dan raised an eyebrow at him questioningly but said nothing. He simply sipped his tea again and turned his gaze back to Jane.

 

“Oh, no! What a shame! It’d be so fun!” She said as she took a seat beside her husband on the couch, “Oh!,” She said suddenly, “Are you going to that new exposition all the kids your age are so excited about?”

 

“Yes!” Phil exclaimed, relieved to find a plausible excuse, “Exactly. And we already payed for the entrance tickets so… there’s no backing off now, unfortunately.” He tried not to look smug at how easily smooth that exchange was going.

 

“Well,” Jane said reaching for her steaming cup, “I guess that’s alright. I just want you both to have fun, darling.” She smiled at him.

 

 

 

“An exposition?” Dan said later when they were getting themselves ready to go out. “You and me? In an actual art gallery?”

 

“Well,” Phil said from where he stood next to him in front of the bathroom mirror, “is either that or knitting with my mum.”

 

Dan laughed and hugged him from behind. “But we don’t actually have to go there!”, he laughed against Phil’s neck. “We could go to the mall or the Christmas market again.”

 

“I thought we could give it a try.” Phil said rubbing Dan’s hands, “Maybe we'll turn out to be true culture vultures.”

 

Dan threw his head back and laughed, “Yeah, right.” HIs phone beeped and he untangled himself from Phil to check it. “Our Uber has arrived.”

 

They hopped onto the backseat of the car waiting for them and Phil immediately started to state facts about the artist responsible for al the works they were going to see.

 

“I actually didn’t see any of it” he said, “because I don’t want the surprise to be ruined, you know? Like, I want to have the full experience.”

 

“You’re way too excited about this.” Dan chuckled.

 

Shortly after, they arrived at their destination. Rawtenstall was seventeen miles away from the nearest big city and had a population of twenty-two thousand people. Its most renowned celebrity was Phil Lester - youtuber - and it had literally _one_ art gallery. Considering all of that, it should not be surprising that this art gallery was tiny - _proper_ tiny. It was as large as two dentist’s offices, one atop the other.

 

“Welcome to the Bainbridge Art Gallery.” The bored teenager said from behind the counter and put down her phone as Dan and Phil walked in.

 

“Hello.” Said Phil with an amicable smile, clearly not aware of the girl’s sour mood. “Two tickets, please!”

 

“Two pounds each.” She sighed heavily and handed them their tickets and pamphlets once Phil had given her the correct amount. “Follow the corridor on the right to access the first room of the exposition. There are stairs in it that will lead you to the first floor, where you’ll find the second part of the exposition. Enjoy.”

 

The receptionist grabbed her phone immediately after uttering the bored wishes and both boys understood it was time to go. Walking down the corridor, Dan and Phil realized there was not a single soul in that building apart from the girl at the reception. Comfortable with the new found privacy, Dan intertwined their fingers together.

 

The first room of the exposition kept several photographs, which varied in size and colour whilst sharing the same theme - deconstruction. They took it all in, first surveying the room with their eyes and only then stepping closer to the first work on their left.

 

The piece was a black and white, waist cut picture of an African-american woman and it was as tall as the wall behind it. She stared ahead with a neutral expression and, although shirtless, the model's long hair covered most of her front. As they stepped closer, the details became clearer and soon enough they were able to see that her entire body was composed of minuscule puzzle pieces that did not match. The blank spaces between the pieces were so narrow that they became unnoticeable from afar.

 

"That," Dan said, "is so fucking cool."

 

"Yeah." Phil replied mesmerized.

 

And just like that they spent the next hour and a half. The other photographs covering the walls amazed them just as much as the first. Soon though, it was time to leave and, for Dan at least, to mentally prepare himself for the gathering which would take place later that evening.

 

 

 

_Three:_

_“He gave up on me.”_

 

_Three and a half hours had passed and not a single sign of life had come from Brandon. Dan gave up on waiting outside - sat on the porch, clutching his backpack tightly - after the first hour. He gave up on looking outside the window for the blue pickup truck after another hour and a half. He lost all notion of time once he fell asleep on the couch._

 

_When he woke up minutes, hours or even days later for what he knew, it was to the sound of the morning paper hitting the front door. That same newspaper wore him down with guilt and tears, putting him to sleep and flooding his distressed mind with troublesome dreams._

 

 

 

It was five in the evening when the boys entered pub number one. Soon, all pubs would be crowded since the time for the people of Rawtenstall to leave their jobs was nearing. Right then, that pub was nearly empty yet somehow buzzing with the promise of a busy night. Friday night, specially game night, was a serious business for pub owners. In just a few hours, there would be no empty chairs nor peaceful quietness in that pub.

 

"There they are." Phil said and tilted his head in the direction of a large table where all five of his friends were sitting. He faced Dan and looked into his eyes before anyone could take notice of them. "Are you okay?"

 

_Fuck no._ Dan had started feeling anxious - and not the good kind of anxious - right after leaving the gallery. "Guess so." He shrugged.

 

Phil sighed and looked at him pleadingly, "Dan, it'll be alright. Stay next to me or Cindy and you'll feel just fine. You get along with her, right?" He smiled and ran his hands up and down Dan's sides reassuringly.

 

"Yeah, she's the only nice friend of yours."

 

Phil snorted, "You don't make it easy for them, let's be honest."

 

"Excuse me?!" Dan screeched loudly, pretending to be affronted. "Yeah, you're right." He let go of the façade. "Let's just get this over with."

 

"Try to have fun, Danny." Phil said in a soft tone and kissed Dan's lips lovingly. "I love you." He pecked his lips once more. "Come on.”

 

They walked to the table side by side, hand in hand. Dan was trying hard to control his quivering body. His hands were cold and clammy, his breathing was irregular and his heart was beating erratically. He felt extremely out of place as everybody got up to greet them. Nothing felt quite right but he found solace on Phil’s gentle grip on his thigh once they were properly seated. With Phil on his left and Cindy on his right, as well as a constant full glass of ale on the table right in front of him, Dan slowly began to feel comfortable in that unusual environment.

 

By the time they reached pub number three, it was fair to say Dan was a bit tipsy. He had stuck to Cindy’s side most of the time, so he could easily avoid _certain unwanted presences_ who seemed not very keen on having a nice conversation with anyone other than Phil. Greg, the unwanted presence in Dan’s evening, was Phil’s best friend and first crush ever.

 

"And why the fuck does he have to keep touching him?” Dan whined as he shot daggers with his eyes at Phil and Greg’s backs at the bar. "Fucking hell, let him breath.”

 

“God, Dan.” Cindy sighed exasperated and rolled her eyes, “Why don’t _you_ let him breath? Honestly, you’ve been staring at them for the past twenty minutes. _Jesus_ , mate.” She downed the rest of her beverage and did nothing to hide her annoyed stance. She had been the receiving end of Dan’s jealous arse for hours now and was starting to feel tired.

 

“You always do that.” Mandy _what’s-her-face_ rested her elbows on the table and pointed an accusing finger at Dan. “Phil is not your property. You don’t have any right to tell him who he can hang out with.”

 

“I’m not preventing him from talking to whoever he wants but it doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it.” Dan said, frustrated and a bit embarrassed. “How’d you feel if your boyfriend’s ex-fling was all over him?”

 

“You’re crazy!” She shot back, “He’s not all over Phil, you’re just so jealous you can’t even see straight.”

 

“Okay!” Cindy intervened loudly before a heated argument could take place, “Mandy, fucking leave him alone. Come on babe,” She said as she got up and pulled on her girlfriend’s arm. “Let’s join Marcus and Nate on the pool table.”

 

She pushed Mandy forward gently and looked behind to wink at Dan. “Chill, lad.”

 

Dan chuckled and smiled weakly at her before turning his attention back to his boy. What he saw made him splutter on his drink and spill it all over the table. What he did next, though, could not be that easily blamed on alcohol given how angry he had been growing by the minute. As soon as he saw Greg’s face lean into Phil’s personal space dubiously, he was making his way over there furiously. He was aiming to grab Greg’s arm but because of a sudden move form the latter and a bad-timed bartender, his hand landed on the fresh tray of shots. Most part of the liquid contents fell right on Greg’s lap and, astonished, Phil exclaimed,

 

“Dan, what the hell?!” He said as he jumped off his chair, trying to escape the few streams of vodka trickling down the counter. “Why the hell did you do that for?”

 

Although very aware of the fact Phil thought he dropped the drinks on purpose, Dan had his mind set on other matters. “Why the hell was he practically sucking on your neck?!” Dan retorted. He knew he was exaggerating but all he wanted now was attention. He also knew it took more than just pulling a few of Phil’s strings to get him really riled up. Or so he thought.

 

Phil stared back at him with an incredulous look on his face, mouth hanging slightly open before he crossed his arms and pursed his lips. He looked down briefly and when his gaze returned to Dan’s still enraged face, Dan wished it hadn’t. He looked absolutely disappointed, with just a hint of hurt in his eyes.

 

“I can’t fucking believe _you’re_ accusing _me_ of that.” He said. Dan couldn’t hide how surprised he was at Phil's choice of words. Phil _never_ cursed. Through all the years they had been together, Dan had only heard him curse once or twice. He realized too late that argument was going too far; it was too late to turn back. So, he continued to incite the inevitable fight.

 

"And what the fuck am I supposed to think about some guy getting funny with _my_ boyfriend, huh?”

 

“Oh, so _now_ I’m your boyfriend?” Phil asked defiantly.

 

Dan frowned at that, genuinely confused. “What is that supposed to mean?”

 

“Face it, Dan. I’m only your boyfriend when it’s convenient to you.” He said as he put on his coat and threw some bills at the bar. “When anyone else comes along, whenever you feel threatened - then you decide I’m your boyfriend.” He started walking towards the exit.

 

Dan only wasted a second to react as those words sunk in. He stalked after Phil and tried to suppress his shivers of fear. When they were outside, face to face, he asked, “Are you doubting my feelings for you?” His voice was low and he tried to sound offended, tried to make him feel guilty.

 

Phil looked straight at him with emotionless eyes as he said, “Can you blame me?”

 

Dan lost all composure after that. His shoulders slumped and his once offended, angry expression changed into one of guilt. He stood there hopeless and speechless.

 

“I know your story, Dan.” Phil started, “No one understands you more than I do.” He sighed deeply and pinched the bridge of his nose, “But I’m tired of being understanding.” He said in a strained voice. “I thought that- I know it’s not fair of me to expect that from you but I thought that, with time, you’d change. Or maybe that you’d want to change. I thought you would realize you need help or something like that-“

 

“There's nothing wrong with me.” Dan said brokenly. His voice shook in a way that showed he himself did not believe in the words that left his mouth.

 

“Then there must be something wrong with me,” Phil said in a heartbeat. "I always believed love could do that - change people, I mean.” He let his head fall forward a bit to hide his face, holding back his tears. “But I guess love is a two-way road.” He looked up at Dan’s face as he continued, taking note of his red, wet eyes and his quivering bottom lip. “And I can’t keep driving it by meself anymore.”

 

“Phil,” Dan choked weakly, “what are you saying?” He now had tears running down his cheeks. “For how long have you felt like that? Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked desperately.

 

“How could I?!” Phil cried out, “How could I put that pressure on you? You can barely admit you care about me.” Phil controlled his tone a bit and added, “And it honestly hurts."

 

“What are you saying?” Dan repeated. “Phil, I need you.” He said in a tiny, strained voice.

 

“But that’s it. You need me. You like having me around.” He took a step closer to wipe Dan's tears away, only making more of them roll down. “But you don’t love me.” He whispered. “You won’t _let_ yourself love me,” he added.

 

“Phil.” Dan sobbed, not knowing what else to say; not being able to say anything else. He rested his forehead on Phil’s and held onto his wrists tightly where they were next to his face, as if that could make him stay.

 

“I will _always_ love you, Dan.” Phil said quietly against Dan’s lips, “And I will always be waiting for you. I’ll always want you.” He said as he took a few steps back, “And that’s why it hurts me so much to do this, but I have to. For the both of us.”

 

He opened the backdoor of a cab Dan hadn’t seen coming and said with a mournful look on his face, “I’m staying at my cousin’s. I know your train leaves in two days and it’s not like I’m going to kick you out the house.”

 

Dan was still holding one of Phil’s hand and could not utter anything but the sobs that didn’t stop coming. Phil lifted that hand, kissed its knuckles and said, “Bye, Bear.”

 

That was it. For Dan, those two words would be the recurring theme of nightmares. That look would be forever etched onto his corneas; would be there every time he opened his eyes. That single second would be the one that would go on forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me your thoughts about this update and the story in general in the comments below!!!
> 
> Check out this AMAZING drawing my best, loveliest friend did for "We can start it all over again" if you haven't already: http://sailorlila.tumblr.com/post/156354951905/going-up-north-hi-guys-my-best-friend
> 
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